Bye Bye Bloggie

“Bye, Bye, Bloggie” is not the name of a new Broadway musical that puts a modern spin on the classic “Bye, Bye Birdie”.

No, it’s an unfortunate reality that you can predict by reading the title.

I’m closing my blog.

I’m really sad to close “Oh Gnome!” It’s been a fun year and a fourth.  I absolutely love sharing my recipes, hearing your comments, and reading your blogs.  Running a food blog has been a great experience and I will surely miss it.

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But most important is my health.  Over this last year and a fourth, I have developed binge eating disorder.  Maybe these behaviors have always been there a little, but now it’s getting really bad.  Food has become more than just fuel for my body; cooking and eating has become a hobby that quickly turned into an obsession.  Food has become my comfort, my celebration, my entertainment. I need to focus my energy away from food and deal with my eating disorder and the other unrelated personal issues that lead me to food for comfort and to deal with my emotions.  I am going to curb my obsession by leaving blogging and I will spend less and less time reading food blogs

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To the bloggers I read: you are awesome and I thank you guys for letting me into your kitchens and into your heads.  The blogosphere is an awesome community of support, encouragement, creativity, and passion.  I hope you guys are healthy and happy and hope you enjoy some awesome eats and culinary

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I am off to recovery.  Having an eating disorder sucks and can be horribly consuming.  I’m ready to shake this and to develop a healthy relationship with food that turns to healthy foods to feel my best.

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Here’s the game plan: Thanks to bingeing, I have about ten pounds to lose to reach a healthy weight again, and to do this, I will fight the fight internally and remind myself that food will not solve my problems. I’m keeping a journal of my thoughts, cravings, and how I feel from day to day.  I’m exercising at least a little every day to make my body feel energized and not sluggish.  I’m taking care of myself more- sleeping enough and saying no when I am too tired.   I’m going to listen to my body.  Eating when I’m bored or stressed never left me very hungry and I’ve gotten out of touch with my body’s hunger.  So I’m going to go without food until I need it again and relearn how my body reacts.

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It’s not going to be easy.  But life isn’t easy and we all have to feel a little misery here and there.  Food does not solve those feelings and I’m going to learn to feel what I feel and then let it go.

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All the best,

Molly

#Realtalk

I’m trying to do homework, I really am.  But my mind is elsewhere.  Sorry, Poly Sci.

My mom and I had one of those “how are you really?” talks.  #realtalk
I told her that I’ve had a hard time with food.  Sometimes when I’m upset I’ll get out of control with my eating. I’m gaining weight and I don’t really like that.

I never knew this, but she told me that she had had binge eating disorder in her college years as well.  She had a lot of insight into the issue.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

It’s not about food.  It’s about other insecurities.  Food numbs the real pain.  It’s easier to obsess over “I’m so fat”  rather than target real issues. For me, its low-self esteem, feeling undesirable, fear of failure, wanting to look perfect, or being social awkwardness.  It’s easier to overcome the fat on my stomach than personal issues.

Counseling may help.  This terrifies me so much, but maybe it would help.  My school offers free counseling services.

She asked if I had tried meditation.  I have but I always end up frustrated that I can’t fully let go and it makes me unhappy.  She said that this is important. Through meditation, you are able to feel your emotions and either (A) start crying and feel better or (B) realize how small the stresses really are.  You have to live with your emotions and learn to feel them, then you can start to put them away.

I also need a new way to decompress.  I need to prioritize stress-reducing activities.  Eating is quick while painting, watching TV, or running consume time that I don’t want to sacrifice.  I need to tell myself that stepping away from stress will help me in the long term in is really, really important.

She recommended this book which I’d really like to find.  It’s about listening to your hunger, not your feelings.

At the same time, I’m not ready to let go and love myself.  I’m about ten pounds overweight and minus fifteen I would be really skinny.  Right now I’m at my highest weight ever and I wouldn’t dare wear a bathing suit.  If I can lose that extra weight I’ll be more ready to accept myself.  To do that, I’ll work on meditation and stress relief.  For now, if I can overcome bingeing,  I think I can get down to my ideal weight and move on with my life, finally confronting the insecurities inside, not the trivial ones on the outside.  Maybe it’ not that simplistic, but this is my first step.

Life is too short to obsess over calories, weight, and body image.  There are bigger issues to face and better things to focus on.

Spring Break!

Happy Spring Break! 

…No?  Just me?

It seems that I actually have a really different Spring Break than most college students.  My friends were all off last week and a few were off the week before that.  I really have no friends in town and my family has been at work all week.  So what have I been doing?

Chillin’ like a villain!  Seriously, I’ve just been resting!  I’ve really needed time to de-stress and take things slowly.

Monday I slept in, did some painting, went to karate class, then hung out with my brother and read memes on the internet!

Tuesday I skyped my friend in Oregon, took a bath, unpacked, and watched a silly Disney Channel Movie, “Read it and Weap”.  Then I had a “bro date” with my younger brother- “Hunger Games”, Mexican food, and I took my brother out driving (sooo terrifying!).  ”The Hunger Games” was great!  My only complaints were the shaky camera angles (they overdid the “Blair Witch Project” style).  I loved how elaborate the capitol looked, how fun!

 

Being home has been sooo nice!  It was hard to appreciate it during the end of high school, but staying with my parents is pretty sweet and I’m really glad to be with my awesome family this week.  At the end of high school, living at home felt increasingly suffocating.  It’s easy to get caught up in the every day monotony and stress and have the mindset of “soon I’ll be  _____ “or “In just four months I’ll _______”.  But I really had things pretty good.  And I have things pretty good back at college, too.  With a little adjustment in attitude and my view on time, it’s possible to see that life is always going to have its challenges but they usually seem trivial in perspective.  All we can do is try to ignore the little things so we can fully enjoy today.

And with rest and peace of mind, I’ve been able to really appreciate and enjoy how good I have it.

 Hot Chocolate in Far Out Lizard Mug

Re-united with the hot water dispenser <3 <3 <3 (And the owl salt shakers!)

My mom made made me Thom Khai Gai Soup  

Boing

Booooooooiiiiiiiing

That’s the sound of my diet yo-yoing back into unhealthy patterns.  After a good week followed by two terrible weeks, I was “back on the horse” Monday through Thursday morning.  I ate super low calorie, healthy meals.  My weight went down to about 144 which is good, I want to get back to 140 which is where I was just three weeks ago before two terrible binge weeks.  I still have a bit more fat than I had before but I’ve been feeling better about myself.

All week I  guess I “dieted”… I hate that word…  and I got on track.  I did really well and was very strict.  I ate only when I was hungry and listened to my body.  With my slow metabolism I don’t often get to the point of feeling hungry so it was a little uncomfortable for me and I two nights I ended up eating  at 11:00 pm (which I never do) because I got hungry again!  Oops, I’m not used to this yet.

It was a challenge to eat so carefully but it felt really good.  A few times, after eating only a little bit of breakfast, I’d get a little shaky during class (low blood pressure problems). A few times my chest was feeling a tight a few times, probably from acid reflux (the stomach is used to producing more acid, so the excess acid bothers your heart) .  A few times, I’d be unsure if I should eat before or after class/work/karate/the gym because I’m used to just eating big meals immediately after waking up, 12:00, and 6:00, following the clock  not my body.  But I like this small meals whenever I’m hungry thing.

Apart from some shakiness, I’ve been feeling really good and I’m proud of myself for finally getting out of my binge cycle.  And once I get my weight back where it should be, I’ll be set and I now know how to take care of myself and listen to my body.  Everything happens for a reason and this weight-gain from horrible bingeing has taught me better eating habits.  Maybe this was the eye-opener I needed.

Healthy Snacks/Small Meals I’ve Been Enjoying

• Almond milk (half the calories of regular milk!)
• Banana, spinach, almond milk smoothies
•  Almonds (high calorie but they really help me stop feeling shaky)
• Plain yogurt (add in Post shredded wheats, mini rice cakes)
• Applesauce
• Mini rice cakes
• Toast (plain or with applesauce)
• Apples
• String cheese
• Carrots with lite ranch dippers
• Egg whites with salsa or spinach
• Post shredded wheats
• Oatmeal
• Sweet Potatoes
• Whole wheat tortillas

So then tonight was an oops.

This morning was good.  I had a breakfast burrito with egg white, refried beans, and a wheat tortilla with salsa and cheese.  For snack, I also had a little smoothie.  For lunch I was about to make a sandwich so I started to toast a piece of bread.  But then I was out of anything that could possibly become a sandwich, so I just packed a piece of toast into my tupperware and brought it to class.  After, I ate some almonds and raisins.  So I was definitely really hungry going into dinner.

For my friend’s birthday, we had a surprise dinner party.  We made a huge brunner (breakfast for dinner) with breakfast burritos, eggs, pancakes, toast, potatoes and sweet potatoes.  Then we had cake, I had two pieces, eek.  After we went rock climbing and played a little two on one soccer in the lounge, lol. At least I got in some exercise.  When I got home, my roommate offered me a whole bag of movie theater butter popcorn and I ate it as well as some Rolos.  Yeah, not good.  I’m regretting the cake and the popcorn and Rolos and think I got out of control.  I didn’t listen to myself and ate way past the point of hunger.

But tomorrow’s a new day, and I’m going to eat super healthy once again.  I’ve got some overnight oats in the fridge before my morning ultimate frisbee game.  I haven’t thrown for a while, I’m so excited

Thanks for listening to my vent!

Back on the horse

Happy Monday!

This last  week hasn’t been great healthy eating wise and I’m ready to get back into good eating and exercise habits.    All the cake is gone and I’m ready to look good when I come home for break.

Time to get back on the horse!

No more of this:

And I just really like this:

So it’s healthy eating and exercise and taking care of myself week.

Adjusting my health habits, I also want to adjust my attitude.  What am I thankful for?

1. I have a healthy body that can exercise and enjoys going to the gym
2. A rockin’ itunes playlist that gets me so pumped for working out
3. Tons of tea and veggies in the kitchen to keep me healthy
4. I have a job.  I can do my homework and I get to practice my Sign Language.  I shouldn’t complain; I really am lucky.  Plus it gets me money to do fun things with my friends
5. My friends and two roommates
6. Awesome weather- it just rained and now it will be sunny and clear
7. I’m totally on top of this week’s homework
8. SPRING BREAK STARTS ON FRIDAY! (Yeah, I didn’t need to remind myself about that one!) I get to see my parents and brother and some of my friends who will be around.
9. Karate class.  We have this new teacher who is amazing.  His motto is “Good pain” and my classmates and I call him “Paul the Mauler”.
10. Beautiful scenery and I’m constantly finding neat places to run

Wow, I just busted that list out, no sweat, easy peasy!

What are you thankful for?

Today?

I woke up at eight and ran to the gym, did some planks, sit-ups, and weight machines, then ran back.

I had five almonds pre-gym to power me up and I’ll eat again when I’m hungry.  In the meantime, I’m drinking tons o’ tea and water and chillaxin’ until work.

I had an apple for lunch and some Post cereal.

Then I had some plain yogurt with rasins and post.

For dinner I had a slice of pizza and raw almonds.  Yeah, the pizza isn’t uber healthy but it was free and I exercised  :P I also went to karate class which was another killer workout!

I told myself to think positively today and it worked.  It kinda reminds me of those really annoying people on our High School PA system who always said “Make it a great day, or not.  The choice: Is yours.”  LOL

It’s a piece of cheese because it’s cheesy.  Just in case you missed it

Oh Hai There!

Hi, guys!

I though I’d drop in and keep you updated on why I haven’t been around.  It’s really not that hard to guess: It’s midterms and I’m super busy.  Midterms, papers due before the break, Deaf Awareness month.

March is Deaf Awareness week so I’ve been crazy busy going to Deaf events.  Last weekend I went to Downtown Disneyland for Signing in the Streets.  It was really fun and I even got to meet Marlee Matlin and the cast of Switched at birth.  Very cool

Marlee!

Lucas Grabeel from HSM!

And Rainforest Cafe!

Now about my struggles with an Eating Disorder

Being so busy, I’ve been a little stressed.  Now I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy.  I definitely went through a spell at the beginning of the semester when I was pretty unhappy.  But I’m not too in over my head, I’ve got great friends, I’ve been loving my karate classes, and I’m doing well in school.  I wish I could have more free time, but I’m doing okay.

But after a long day, all I want to do is eat.  I’ll go through these horrible nights where all I want to do is eat everything and I can’t stop shoveling food in my mouth.  Plus, my roommate’s mom brought us a lot of candy and that doesn’t help; usually I do better if I don’t have junk food in the house.  I’ve been binging almost every day and most days I get a little stir crazy because can’t fit in sleep and exercise because I’m at school for ten hours.  I’ve gained weight and am at 150 pounds (I’m 5′ 10.5); I’ve weighed this much before but never more.  My already distorted image is really negative.  After over eating, I feel terrible about myself which makes me eat more.  Eating is my coping method.  I don’t have another coping method; anything else that relaxes me takes too much time that I don’t have.  Plus I still find eating to be my favorite way of decompressing.  Running and exercise helps, but I feel that my time should be spent studying.

B.E.D.- binge eating disorder is very real in my life.  The root of my problem is perfectionism. I want to be perfect.  It has always been a strength of mine but it is progressively becoming more and more of a weakness.  I work hard because I am afraid to fail.  I’m not going to list my accomplishments, but I’ve always worked really hard  to be successful.  I judge my self worth on my accomplishments.  I judge my self worth by my weight.  I have fat around my stomach and hips and legs, I could be thinner.  I like a skinny guy, he probably likes thin girls.  I’m really tall for a girl so if I’m skinny I’ll be less intimidating. Healthy BMI is 18.5-24- I should be an 18.5, right?  I want to be better, perfect and that will make me feel good about myself.  Should I accept myself as I am, or should I change how I am so I can accept myself?

My brother is a smart kid but he doesn’t always live up to his potential.  My mom once told him, “being average takes courage”. I always thought she said this to make him feel less like a loser.  But I see it now.  I’m learning to say no to perfection. I’m working on being average so that I can take care of myself and make myself happy and not others.  I have to set up time to unwind so I don’t over eat or stress out.  I have to take care of myself first.

I am worth it.

That said, it’s almost my break and I’m hopefully going to get back on track.  I’ve got a lot of recipes to give to you and there’s one more week until my spring break.  I’ll be back, but just not right now.

Thanks for listening!

Do you have any advice about binge eating / eating disorders?  

Do you go have a similar problem?  

College Problems, Stylin’ Smoothies, and WIAW!

Happy WIAW!

Here’s another view of my Tuesday life in food!  Though I didn’t go super green this time, I definitely am joining the WIAW party

Breakfast done right (minus my tiny toaster)!  Since I had work+class all day (10 hours, baby!), I knew this would be my only big meal.  I made an over-easy egg, cheese toast, and cooked spinach.  Delicious!

Then came the snacking!

100 Calorie pack of almonds= lifesaver on these ten hour days!  :)  Quick, healthy, raw, and protein-packed!  Plus, the wrapper is green, so I’m living up to the WIAW goes green challenge, right?

Banana and an apple.  Just in case you don’t know what those are, I included a picture.

A handful of Post shredded wheats  Love these!

Then I ran home for smoothie.  Peanut butter (half for the smoothie, half for my mouth!) , frozen berries, banana, almond milk, skim milk, spinach.  It matched my kitchen floor! Wow, I am soooo fetch!

After school I went to a Deaf Awareness presentation about Deaf activism.  The speaker was a bit boring, but I enjoyed the free food.  I had a little sandwich slice and a little roll-up sandwich.  Plus I had some celery… which was a bad choice.  Let’s just say that the extremely loud crunching noises coming from my teeth were especially noticeable in a room full of Sign Language users.

Nice picture… I guess hungry basketball player with three sandwiches is famous now!

After, I came home and ate a plain yogurt with peanut butter and honey for “dessert”.  I know, yogurt isn’t really dessert  

Now I’m going to practice for my ASL midterm and then it’s bedtime for me because I am exhausted after finishing yesterday’s 52 page portfolio piece at 2 am yesterday Don’t procrastinate, kids!

Do you have any funny college problems? 

What are your favorite on the go snacks?